by Ginger Hubbard
The heart determines the behaviour
We are all born with a corrupt and sinful heart
Outward behaviours are only the manifestations of the real problem, which lie
in the heart. The bible uses the heart to speak of the inner you.
If we only focus on the laws of outward behaviour but fail to train their
hearts in accordance with God's word, we risk them viewing christianity as a
set of burdensome rules. As a result, they may never experience what it means
to truly know Christ and His power to transform lives.
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Proverbs 8:13
To have respect for the Lord is to hate evil. I hate pride and bragging. I
hate evil ways and twisted words
- As you learn to apply God's Word in training your children, you will
eventually begin to see the fruit. You will witness successes in your
parenting. Your children will begin to change, and you will enjoy those
changes. This is where a new temptation raises its ugly head. Be careful not
to let pride enter your heart. Pride is so wicked tht it is listed as one of
the things that God hates
Proverbs 16:18
Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall
- Enter pride. Rather than having compassion for this poor mom and the struggles she was having with her children, I smugly thought, "You won't see my kids acting like that." And then it happened. My three-year-old daughter, Alex, was standing right behind me when all of a sudden she blurted out the most horrible three words imaginable. It was as if she had grabbed one of the microphones from a checkout counter and yelled into it with all her might. Waving her hands frantically in front of her face, in a BOOMING voice, she screams, "Mama! You pooted!" My entire body froze. Time stood still. To this day, I do not know which was worse - the second she blurted it out or the minute it took for everyone to realize it was true
Proverbs 11:2a
When pride comes, then comes disgrace
- "Dear Mom, as you experience success in your parenting, please do not become prideful"
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Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it
- The heart is the well from which all of the responses to life gush forth. The behaviour a person exhibits is an expression of the overflow of the heart. To put it simply, the heart determines behaviour
- The Heart of the Problem is the Problem of the Heart
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Romans 3:23
Everyone has sinned. No one measures up to God’s glory
1. Your child is born sinful
Proverbs 22:15
Children are going to do foolish things. But correcting them will drive that foolishness far away
2. Sin is bound in the heart of your child
3. Sin is not a laughing matter
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Mark 7:21-22
Evil thoughts come from the inside, from a person’s heart. So do sexual sins, stealing and murder. Adultery, greed, hate and cheating come from a person’s heart too. So do desires that are not pure, and wanting what belongs to others. And so do telling lies about others and being proud and being foolish
- Bible teaches that behaviour is not the basic issue. The basic issue is always what is going on in the heart
- Outward behaviours are only the manifestations of the real problem, which lie in the heart
Luke 6:45
A good man says good things. These come from the good that is stored up in his heart. An evil man says evil things. These come from the evil that is stored up in his heart. A person’s mouth says everything that is in their heart
- Behaviour is simply what alerts you to your child's need for correction
- Don't make the mistake that so many parents make and allow your desire for changed behaviour to replace your desire for a changed heart
- Teaching your children only to change their outward behaviour is no more commendable than teaching a seal to jump through a hoop
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Scenario 1: Child snatching or wanting to play a toy:
"Honey, Wesley has that toy right now. Do you think he is enjoying playing with it?"
"Yes, ma'am"
"Do you think it would make him happy or sad if you took it away?"
"Sad"
"Would you delight in making your brother sad?"
"No, ma'am"
"Do you think that it would be kind or rude for you to try to take away something that he is enjoying?"
"Rude"
"That's right, Alex, and love is not rude. When Wesley is through with it and puts it down, then you may ask for it."
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1 Corinthians 13:6
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth
Scenario 2: Child aggravating another child (the 'culprit') seen chasing & bullying
"Wesley, judging from your laughter you seem to be having a great time growling and chasing your sister. Are you having as much fun as you look like you are having?"
"Yes, ma'am"
"Is Alex having as much fun as you are?"
"Well, no ma'am"
"Tell me, what is Alex doing?"
"She's screaming and crying"
"Honey, are you delighting in Alex's suffering? Because love does not delight in evil"
"Alex, will you forgive me for making you cry?"
Proverbs 17:5
Anyone who laughs at those who are poor makes fun of their Maker. Anyone who is happy when others suffer will be punished
Scenario 2a: Child aggravating another child (the 'victim') seen screaming & shouting
"Alex honey, have you asked your brother in private to stop chasing you?"
"No, ma'am"
"Would you rejoice in seeing your brother get in trouble?"
Scenario 3: When Timmy tries to get his sibling in trouble by tattling
- Remind that love does not delight in evil
- Also remind the child that he who rejoices in calamity will not go unpunished
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Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, don’t make your children angry. Instead, instruct them and teach them the ways of the Lord as you raise them
- I have found that the second part of this verse is far more challenging than the first part. It's easy for us to tell our children that they have done wrong and chastise them for it, but it takes much more preparation, discipline, understanding, and self-control on our part to actually instruct them according to God's Word. When they disobey, we think we have done well to say, "That was wrong, and you shouldn't have done it.... (whack, whack, whack) now, get in your room!" When we do this, we have only done half of what God has called us to do
Proverbs 22:15
Children are going to do foolish things. But correcting them will drive that foolishness far away
- Certainly God has called us to use the rod to drive foolishness from the hearts of our children
Proverbs 29:15
A rod and a reprimand impart wisdom, but a child left undisciplined disgraces its mother
- But equally important is that He has called us to "instruct them/impart wisdom". Scriptures tells us clearly that God intended the two to go together
- The purpose for disciplining our children is to teach them the Word of God
- For teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, we must use the Word of God. The Word of God trains the soul from an eternal perspective
- We are simply the vehicles delivering the Word of God. It is God's Word and God's Spirit that actually convicts
- A reproof is in order whether your child sins intentionally or unintentionally
"Train with this thought continually before your eyes: The soul of your child is the first thing to be considered. In every step that you take about them, in every plan and scheme and arrangement that concerns them, do not leave out that mighty question, 'How will this affect their souls' Our ultimate goal in everything should be to point them to Christ"
- J.C. Ryle -
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what does teaching in the context of the moment look like?
Proverbs 6:19
a false witness who pours out lies and a person who stirs up conflict in the community
Scenario 4: When Johnny is disturbing his sibling
- Teach him that one of the seven things that God hates is "one who causes trouble with his brothers."
- You might say "Stirring up trouble is foolish, Honey, but when you promote peace you are wise"
James 3:17
But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere
- Say "Johnny, do you want to be foolish or wise?"
Proverbs 15:1
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger
Scenario 5: When Suzie responds in anger and yells at her friend
- Teach her that "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."
- Say "Sweetheart, can you try that again and this time use a gentle tone of voice?"
Hebrews 10:24
Let us consider how we can stir up one another to love. Let us help one another to do good works
- Don't just tell the child what is wrong, ask how he could have done it to spur in love
- And have the kids go back and actually do it the right way
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1 Timothy 4:7-8
Don’t have anything to do with godless stories and silly tales. Instead, train yourself to be godly. Training the body has some value. But being godly has value in every way. It promises help for the life you are now living and the life to come
- This verse is exactly what happens when we exercise or train our children
- What once seemed impossible becomes like second nature
2 Timothy 3:16
God has breathed life into all Scripture. It is useful for teaching us what is true. It is useful for correcting our mistakes. It is useful for making our lives whole again. It is useful for training us to do what is right
- The Holy Spirit speaking through God's Word will expose the wrong, convict the guilty, and promote righteousness
- Children must admit that they are guilty
- God uses His Word in order to convict his children
Galatians 3:24
So the law was put in charge of us until Christ came. He came so that we might be made right with God by believing in Christ
- Everytime your child violates God's law, you have an opportunity to point him to his need for Christ
Deuteronomy 5:16
Honor your father and mother, just as the Lord your God has commanded you. Then you will live a long time in the land he is giving you. And things will go well with you there
Scenario 6: When your child speaks to you with a disrespectful tone of voice
- Tell your child what God says about that particular behaviour and what it leads to
- Say "Honey, you are being disrespectful and not honoring me. It will not go well with you if you dishonor me like that. Now, try that again in a way that does honor."
Galatians 5:22
But the fruit the Holy Spirit produces is love, joy and peace. It is being patient, kind and good. It is being faithful
Scenario 7: When your child whine in an attempt to get their way
- Say "Alex, are you asking Mama for juice in a self-controlled voice?" "Mama will never give you what you want when you whine. God wants you to have self-control, even with your voice. Now, I'm going to set the timer for 5 minutes and then you may come back and ask for juice with self-control
- Whining is an issue of self-control. We can use God's Words to reprove them in a way that they could comprehend, had them suffer the consequence of having to wait 5 minutes, and then have them come back and ask for the thing they want the right way
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James 1:2-4
My brothers and sisters, you will face all kinds of trouble. When you do, think of it as pure joy. Your faith will be tested. You know that when this happens it will produce in you the strength to continue. And you must allow this strength to finish its work. Then you will be all you should be. You will have everything you need
- We should be joyful and thankful that we are provided with an opportunity to point our children to their need for Jesus by training them in His Word
- For every tiresome problems we view as burdensome or trial, it can be precious opportunities to teach them. Therefore, we can be joyful and eager rather than angry and frustrated
- Everytime your child fails, don't view it as a hopeless tragedy. Remember that it would be unnatural for your child not to sin because, afterall, he is a sinner
There is nothing in the scriptures to validate the neglect of training because the child is tired or hungry. They sin, not because they are tired, hungry, or having a bad hair day, but because they are sinners. God has placed parents as the authority over them to teach them, not to make excuses for their sins
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As parents, we have to let go of trying to control our children spiritual hearts and let God work (it's not enough thinking pointing them to God's Word is sufficient)
1. Take time alone with your child at bedtime each night, not in a hurry, not instructing tone, but simply to sit on his bed and just listen to anything the child chose to talk
2. Go back to their room each night to pray over them after they slept
* To train them to obey God by honoring and obeying their parents
* To teach them wisdom
* To train them in righteousness
* To pray for them
* To be a godly example
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Luke 10:40
But Martha was busy with all the things that had to be done. She came to Jesus and said, “Lord, my sister has left me to do the work by myself. Don’t you care? Tell her to help me!”
- If a child is stubbornly clinging to a particularly foolish justification for his actions, parents should avoid being drawn into endless argument and, if necessary, move directly to discipline. But if your child shows signs of teachability, you can graciously rescue him from the folly of being "wise in his own eyes". Our responsibility is to respond to foolishness the same way as Jesus did. As parents, we can judge the words and actions of our children but we do not have the ability to judge their thoughts and motives. However, if we are wise we can help them to evaluate what is in their own heart. We can guide them in pulling out the foolishness that is bound up there.
Matthew 21:23-27
Jesus entered the temple courtyard. While he was teaching there, the chief priests and the elders of the people came to him. “By what authority are you doing these things?” they asked. “Who gave you this authority?” Jesus replied, “I will also ask you one question. If you answer me, I will tell you by what authority I am doing these things. Where did John’s baptism come from? Was it from heaven? Or did it come from human authority?” They talked to one another about it. They said, “If we say, ‘From heaven,’ he will ask, ‘Then why didn’t you believe him?’ But what if we say, ‘From human authority’? We are afraid of the people. Everyone believes that John was a prophet.” So they answered Jesus, “We don’t know.” Jesus said, “Then I won’t tell you by what authority I am doing these things either
- We can learn how our Lord Jesus thwarted his manipulators' intentions by avoiding their questions altogether. Instead of defending himself and inciting the controversy they sought, he posed a question that exposed their own enslavement to popular opinion
Colossians 3:20
Children, obey your parents in everything. That pleases the Lord
Proverbs 21:17
Anyone who loves pleasure will become poor. Anyone who loves wine and olive oil will never be rich.
2 Timothy 3:4
They will turn against their friends. They will act without thinking. They will think they are better than others. They will love what pleases them instead of loving God.
Scenario 8: When you tell your son he can play another five more minutes and then he needs to have lunch and do homework. Your son whines and ask "why"?
A. You can answer him according to his folly and say, "Because you have been playing for so long and I just told you that it's time for lunch."
B. You can answer him as his folly deserves and say, "Honey, could it be that you are more interested in playing than pleasing the Lord? God says, "Children obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord"
Scenario 9: When you tell your son he can play another five more minutes and then he needs to have lunch and do homework. Your son responded with a disgruntled face saying, "Not fair, you always never let me play for long, I don't ever get to have any fun!"
A. You can answer him according to his folly and say, "Yes you do get to have fun and I let you play your toys three days ago!"
B. You can answer him as his folly deserves and say, "Could it be that you are trying to make me feel guilty in order to get what you want? You should desire to honor and obey your parents more than you desire to play your toys. Son, be careful to not become a lover of pleasure more than you are a lover of God."
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Guideline #1 : Examine your motives
- Am I doing this because my will has been violated or God's will has been violated?
- Am I correcting my child because he has sinned against God or because his behaviour has caused me some personal discomfort, embarrassment or trouble?
Matthew 7:5
You pretender! First take the piece of wood out of your own eye. Then you will be able to see clearly to take the bit of sawdust out of your friend’s eye
Guideline #2 : Examine your life
- Have I provoked my son in some way?
- What is my example?
- How do I act when things don't go my way?
- Have I led my son into sin by failing to teach him?
- By failing to provide him with a means of escape?
- By failing to train him in what is right?
- Have I given my son more freedom than he can handle?
Matthew 18:15
“If your brother or sister sins against you, go to them. Tell them what they did wrong. Keep it between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them back
Guideline #3 : Choose the right time and place
- Do not embarrass your child. He will be more attentive to your instructions
- If others are around, it would be better to take the child into another room or quietly instruct him in his ear
Hebrews 4:12
The word of God is alive and active. It is sharper than any sword that has two edges. It cuts deep enough to separate soul from spirit. It can separate bones from joints. It judges the thoughts and purposes of the heart
Guideline #4 : Choose the right words
- Use biblical terminology when you can because it is the power of God's words and God's wisdom that will truly penetrate the hearts of your children
Guideline #5 : Choose the right tone of voice
Scenario 10: When your child directly disobeyed you, there are two ways that you could respond :
A. You could scould her by harshly saying, "Alex, I TOLD you to put your shoes on! Now your feet are HALF FROZEN and just LOOK at what you have done to your pants! YOUR DADDY works so hard to buy you these clothes, and THIS is how you show your appreciation? You just see how fast you can get your tail in your room! You are getting a major spanking, young lady!"
B. You can biblically reprove her in low by gently saying "Alex, I told you to put on your shoes before you went out. Have you obeyed or disobeyed Mama?" after she verbalizes that she has disobeyed, you can come back with, "Well Alex, God says that children are to obey their parents. Mama loves you too much to allow you to disobey. Now, go to your room and I'll be in there in a while time."
Guideline #6 : Be prepared to suggest a biblical solution
- We can tell our children what to put off (sinfulness) but we must remember that it is even more important to tell them what to put on (righteousness), to train them in how to replace that wrong behaviour with right behaviour, and to then have them actually exercise what they have learned
When is anger sinful? When :
- It outwardly attacks another
- It dwells within the heart
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World methods used by parents in an attempt to obtain obedience
- Bribing
- Threatening
- Appealing to their emotions
- Manipulating their environment
- Reasoning with the child
Guidelines for administering Biblical Chastisement
- Discuss what the child has done wrong and why it is your responsibility to spank him
- Guide the child in thinking through what he should have done
- Use the proper instrument as your spanker
- Let the child know how many swats you will be administering
- Spank as promptly after the offense as possible
- Administer the spanking in public
- Administer the rod to the child's bottom
- Take time for reconciliation
- Require the child to make restitution
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